Friends Checking In

My friends from church wrote to check in on me after I asked them for a favor.  Here’s my response to them.

Thanks both of you. Yes, that would be lovely for you guys to come over one night. Hubby could use the help with dinner. I already stopped making dinners. I asked my mom to buy food tonight.

I’ll let you know how I feel after surgery. Just text me to remind me in a week or so. I really miss you guys.

I’m getting panicky because there’s all these little things that have to be done, like filing my taxes and applying for financial aid for First Born. It’s stressful to deal with the college application process. I’m dealing with the financial aid part of it. Hubby has to deal with everything else. It’s so nerve racking because he has to get in somewhere decent and we have to be able to pay for it. This will be the first year for free tuition and I’m afraid it will be extra competitive to state schools because of it.

But other than that, I’m just scared of the thought of being cut up and treated like a piece of meat. I’m also afraid my body will do something embarrassing while I’m under. Why I even care about that is a mystery. I just do. I remember bleeding all over First Born’s pediatrician’s floor at his first visit, which they still haven’t gotten over. While getting on a stretcher to the ambulance, I took off my shoes because it was the polite thing to do, nevermind the blood all over the floor. I don’t fight myself over these things anymore. I just roll with it and let other’s deal with it.

Thanks for letting me share my concerns. Thanks Curtiss for the non-encouragement. It’s really touching (I think). [Curtiss said he wasn’t going to say anything positive because I got this.]

P Mom

Their response:

P Mom, we love you!!!!

I Have Breast Cancer

There, I said it.  I found out through a routine mammogram and sonogram that I have DCIS.  It’s early stage breast cancer that has not spread.  I accept that I have it but I’m slow to wake up to the realities of having it, mainly because I’m not sure what to expect.  I’ve overcome the shock stage.  It was very hard to hold it together the day I found out.  Slowly, I’ve been telling people and everyone has been wonderful.  I have a lot of support and I’m grateful for that.  I’m optimistic because I personally know quite a few people who had it and survive.

My best friend from Australia was here when I received the news and she’s helping me navigate the waters.  She had breast cancer last year.  She’s fine now.  The process wasn’t easy.  She had a lot of support.  I remember feeling helpless because she was far away.  I’m going to let people help me in small ways so they don’t feel that.

I’m surprised how heavy the news weighs on me, physically.  I expect the emotional weight but the physical weight is a surprise.  I’m trying to get through a regular day, that has relatively few stresses, and it’s hard.  I feel like I have to lift something extra heavy today.  I want to go work out but I’m afraid I may not make it through a class.  I feel fine physically.  I guess I’m scared and I’m trying not to fall into depression.  I have to keep busy and keep moving forward.

I worry for my family.  I worry how this is all weighing on them.  It can’t be easy.  Bad baby said he’s fine because we told him it’ll be fine.  He said, Gunma (Godmother in Chinese) had it and she’s fine, so you’ll be fine.  We will be fine.

“The Flames of my Rage will Burn for Eternity.” -Bad Baby

A few weeks ago, we had a party that ran late. My place was such a mess that I had to clean before going to bed. Around 1 am, I asked First Born if Bad Baby was still awake. FB said he’s watching Netflix, so I turned on the vacuum.

The next thing you hear is Bad Baby screaming. I don’t know what got into him but he was pissed I was making so much noise. EJ was in the room with Bad Baby and tells me that he screamed, “the flames of my rage will burn for eternity.” He then said, “I’m not done being angry, I’m just too tired” and falls asleep.

I’ve been telling everyone I know this story. Bad Baby hates it when I tell it. But I told him it’s a masterpiece and I must share it with everyone. I want EJ to draw flames from a fire with his face in the middle with the words “The Flames of my Rage will Burn for Eternity” around the flames.

It’s funny when I tell the story, but it wasn’t so funny living through it. That could be said for a lot of things that happen in this house. There’s no one to blame but myself.

Tongue Fu / Mouth Ji Jitsu

EJ (my favorite daughter) and I have been having conversations about her hanging out with her friends.  She’s been hanging out with some friends without me.  She’s becoming sassier and starting to speak her mind.  I was afraid she was going to be a sweet, quiet pushover, but no fear of that.

There’s a girl in her group who’s passive aggressive and it drives her nuts. She couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was that bothered her about this girl’s personality. I explained that this girl wants attention but she’s trying to get it in a negative way, which is the opposite of my daughter’s personality.

One day when this girl was complaining about how annoying another girl was, my daughter turns to her and tells her she’s annoying. It probably came across rude and shocking since it came from my daughter who’s generally a sweet girl, at least to my knowledge. We went over some ways where this could have come across funny instead of in your face. On one hand, my daughter felt such relief to be able to finally say the truth to the girl. On the other, my daughter doesn’t hate this girl, just this behavior of hers.

One suggestion was “you would know.” Obnoxious but can be funny. I do this exercise with the kids whenever I get a chance.

For example, First Born had problems with a kid back in fourth grade. This kid kept bothering him. One time during recess, the kid kept charging at First Born. Before the kid reached him, First Born put up his leg and the kid crashed into it. He did this three times with the same result.

When they went in after recess, the kid wouldn’t leave it alone and went up to First Born and said, “remember when I pant-sed you in first grade.” In first grade, this kid pulled down First Born’s pants in the schoolyard. Administration was notified, but nothing really happened. I couldn’t understand why this kid would do that to my son, but I figured he had problems at home. Because this kid couldn’t get First Born in the schoolyard, he felt the need to humiliate him with the past.

First Born and I were sitting in a diner and we went over all the things he could say to this kid the next time he tried this again. The kid was saying this to First Born everyday for several days. Finally after our conversation, without fail, the kid brings it up again to First Born. This time First Born says, “V, I know you need a boyfriend, but I don’t swing that way.” Ka boom in your face! The kid’s face dropped and everyone around them was laughing. The kid did not bring it up again. I call this Tongue Fu or Mouth Ji Jitsu as my Sifu would say. I was so proud of First Born.

My most classic Tongue Fu move was against a friend of ours. Years ago when my husband worked with this friend, C, we were hanging out in hubby’s office. Hubby was playing World of Warcraft. In that game, the women have huge boobs. This friend looked on the screen and turned to me to ask, “why don’t you have boobs like her?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I don’t know where it came from that day, but I immediately replied, “why do you?” Ka boom. He never brought up the lack of chest fat again.

Sugar Pusher

I am so pissed right now. Last night on our way to a live band, my hubby tells me I need to cool off on the marriage talk and sugar pushing on a friend’s boyfriend. The friend couldn’t tell me herself but had to do through my husband. How infuriating.

I started cursing and yelling. Hubby was caught off guard because he couldn’t understand why I would be so angry at this kind of behavior. I was so emotionally off the rails, I couldn’t really explain it to him in a “rational” coherent way. He kept calling me a hypocrite and irrational.

After going to bed pissed, I became clearer this morning. I’m pissed because he insulted my judgment and intelligence. He assumes she’s right in that I am an immature person who gives into excess. Sure I’m a sugar fiend, but I would hope he saw how I’ve cut down quite a bit.

As for me bringing up marriage to this friend’s boyfriend, I could cool down on that. But instead of seeing this as me getting excited for her that she found someone suitable, she sees it as me being pushy. Instead of seeing this as a sign of my approval and that I’m behind them 100%, this is seen as pressuring him. Her sister would have appreciated the loyalty.

Some background, this girlfriend has had many suitors, mostly selfish pricks who were not good for her. How could I tell they weren’t good for her? By how she acted while dating them. If she behaved like her usual crazy self or worse, then how could this guy be good for her. I didn’t need to meet the guy to be able to tell whether or not he was good for her.

Of course hubby and I are going to go to therapy for this. We’ve been seeing therapy because my children have issues with me. He’s there to oversee everything because he has no issues. It’s turned out to be marriage counseling.

He deals with me in a “rational” way while I need him to engage on an emotional level. The therapist asked him to engage me in an emotional way to see how that would work. We both had no idea what she was talking about. How do you engage on an emotional level? Well, it goes something like this,

Hubby: I can see how you must feel frustrated with how to deal with the kids and it must make you feel inadequate.

That alone made me feel better, that he acknowledged my pain. I was like, wow, it works. Then it made me realize how we fight. When we fight, he tries to “rationally” tell me why I’m wrong and how he has the high ground. This in turn pisses me off to no end. He may not mean to make me feel this way, but I do when he goes into the “you’re irrational” tirade. Will continue with this issue in therapy next week.

Back to being a sugar pusher. I have a sweet tooth. I will always have dessert when given a choice. When I meet someone I like who also has an infinity for desserts, then I’m constantly buying them sweets if I come across it. I cool down after a bit because, you know, moderation. This girlfriend’s boyfriend is really funny and loves sweets as much as I do. However, he hasn’t been exposed to the sweets that I have been so I’m introducing them to him. Well, apparently that’s too much and I need to stop being such a sugar pusher.

I’m pissed because first, it hasn’t been that crazy an amount of sugar. We talk more about the sugar than actually eating sugar. And second, I trust this guy to be able to moderate himself. He’s probably in his 50’s or 60’s. If he can’t control himself by now, then he never will. And whether I introduce it to him or not, if he really wants it, he’ll find a way to get it. Putting the responsibility on me to control his sugar intake at this point in both our lives is ludicrous.

Plus, does my husband really think I lack that much judgment? Apparently so. I’ve spoken to this boyfriend and he says that he’ll indulge this weekend and diet during the week. This tells me he’s aware of the issues and is taking steps to deal with it. This doesn’t indicate to me a person who can’t control himself.

Of course this girlfriend feeling the need to bring this issue up to me via my husband is an issue in and of itself. Then again, this is the same girlfriend who threw her sister’s perfectly good liquor down the drain to stop her from drinking on a particular night. That is so wrong on so many levels. First, you never throw out perfectly good liquor. Other people could have drank it. Second, it’s not like we couldn’t go get more at 7 Eleven. No need to waste money like that.

I don’t feel wrong here. I’ll cool down on the marriage thing because I see some issues they will need to work out. As for the sugar thing, I will honestly tell the boyfriend that I can’t introduce him to new desserts because he has a problem and if I help in any way with that problem, then I’m the pusher. Keep in mind that I’m in the midst of a bunch of liquor drinkers who drink quite a bit, but they don’t have a problem, I do. The boyfriend and I both don’t really drink. Oh wait, my husband has told me that my sugar intake is way more dangerous than his several drinks a night. Gotta love the irony.

I got a LLBean tote before the boycott call.  I got my last name stitched on it.  If I would have known what was going to happen, I would have gotten “WTF” stitched on it instead.  “WTF” aptly describes my life right now.

Fake News

While K was getting ready to turn in for the night at our annual ski trip, I tell Mike, her husband, “hey, K’s going to bed.  She wants some cuddling time.”

Mike gets excited and starts to get up and then rolls his eyes and sits backs down saying “yeah, right.”  To which I respond, “you know fake news when you hear it.”


A friend was going back and forth with a Trump troll who was trying to defend Russia.

At one point, my friend writes,

“You have no reason to fear a lobotomy. It will have no noticeable impact on you.”

Love that Phil.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you would like to borrow his quote.


First Born has to become a stand up comedian so I can feel better.

I’ve been very distraught over the election.  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does.  I haven’t been able to make fun of people the way I use to before the election.  I’m recovering a little.  This morning Tara and I did warm ups before Muay Thai.  I tried to get Natalie’s (Tara’s mom) attention to join us running.  When she didn’t answer, I yelled, “Natalie, instead of running your mouth, would you like to run with us?”  She hugged me and ran.  Tara said, “when she makes fun of you, that means she likes you.”  It’s true.

First born has been giving me a hug everyday.  I guess I look sad.

Last night he told me while hanging out with his friends in Manhattan last week, he saw a group of protesters in front of the Canada Goose store.  They were yelling with a megaphone, “Canada Goose, lower your prices!  Canada Goose, lower your prices!  Canada Goose, lower your prices!” over and over.  [In case you don’t know what Canada Goose is, a Canada Goose coat costs around $600-$900 on average.]

First born asked, “what’s next?  Are they going to Lamborghini to protest?  Lamborghini, lower your prices!  Lamborghini, lower your prices!  Lamborghini, lower your prices!”  

He really wanted to go up to them and yell, “shop somewhere else.”

I haven’t laughed so hard since the election.  My son has to become a stand up comedian so I can feel better.  It’s the least he can do after I gave birth to him.


How I Stay Married: Beer, lots and lots of beer.

I just bought 9 cases of beer because it was on sale.  When it comes to beer, I know a deal when I see one.  Every other grocery item, haven’t got a clue.

Sometimes when I’m in line paying for these beers, someone will ask if I’m having a party.  I reply, “no, this is how I stay married.”  Some chuckle, some give me a weird stare trying to decide whether or not I’m joking.  I’m partly joking.

Is it such a bad idea to keep your man semi-intoxicated at all times?  I’m pretty lucky my man likes to drink.  Every time he sees the beer I bought, he gushes and feels special that I thought of him.  It’s his dozen roses.  My twin wishes her husband liked beer the way mine does.  She says, it’d be so much easier to please him.  Having to have relations all the time is too much work.

We’re coming up on our 20th anniversary next year.  Twenty years.  No one dreamt it.  Most people gave us two years.  Our best friend asked my husband if he was sure he wanted to go through with the wedding.  I was unstable.  I broke up with him at least once a week back then.  His brother also checked and asked the question.  I didn’t take it personally because they were right.  I would question their loyalty if they didn’t ask.

How should I mark the occasion?  Given a choice between going away somewhere or having a party, I’d have a party.  A small dance party with food, because I love food and dancing.  On my invitations I’d write “In Your Face!!!  We made it – 20 years!!!

At the party I would have friends go up to the mic and tell everyone why they thought we wouldn’t make it and then make them eat crow.  Yeah, that’s the way to celebrate.  I’d laugh my butt off.  I’d go up myself and tell everyone why I thought we wouldn’t make it and tell them of the times when we almost didn’t.

My husband drinks at least two beers a day.  Two beers a day keeps the divorce lawyer away.

And of course therapy helps.