When the Birds and the Bees Go Wrong

Right before First Born entered middle school, it was time to have the birds and the bees talk.  It seemed natural that husband would give it and so he did.

A few months after the talk, but before middle school started, husband, I and First Born were sitting at the dining room table.  I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about when First Born suddenly chimes in saying, “Mom, you should be careful, you might accidentally drink some sperm.”

There I sat with my eyebrows raised, mouth opened in shock, no words coming out.  After a few seconds, that felt like hours, I asked, “what are you talking about?”  He went on to explain that daddy had told him that’s how women get pregnant, by accidentally drinking sperm.  I asked, “what exactly did daddy tell you?”  Meanwhile I’m asking WTF did he say in his birds and the bees talk.

First Born proceeds to tell me that daddy said “you need a part of a woman and a man to make a baby, an egg from the woman and sperm from the man and then yada, yada, yada and when the two mix, you get a baby.”  Since husband neglected to tell him how the two parts come together, First Born naturally thought that a woman must accidentally drink sperm in order to make a baby.

At that point, I told my husband he was fired.  We were going to leave it at that and hope that Middle School would finish the job.  One day after school in middle school, First Born comes home and says, “Mom, I now know how babies are made and I wish I didn’t.”

Now it’s time to do the same for daughter.  She asked if she could just wait for that chapter in health class instead of hearing it from either of us.  Husband said he could definitely do better this time.  I just don’t want to do it.  My women studies friend said she would do it for me.  I think I’m going to take her up on that offer.  It’s better for everyone around.

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